Thursday, September 1, 2016

Shaking up the design for the new House

This summer, as we shop for a new house I find myself redesigning and redecorating almost every home that peaks my interest on the Internet. By the time,  we make it to the house for the showing,  I have laid out our furniture, picked paint colors,  replaced the counter top and selected the new sofa,  that the dog will definitely NOT be allowed to jump on...for the first month!

The funny thing is that somewhere in this crazy process. My entire personal design aesthetic has gone through a rather drastic change. I work with color and pattern and texture all day every day and so my house is neutral. When I tell my family I'm repainting, they laugh because they know that a wall might be going from beige to greige.  I cannot help myself,  I love color but at home I have always wanted neutral because it is calm and TIMELESS. 

I see so many new colors and patterns on a regular basis that I know I will fall out of love with them just as fast as I fell in love with them, so generally they have no place in my home unless they are an accent pillow.  Admittedly, I have a severe accent pillow problem.

Lately,  these possible houses that we have seen and that I have tried to imagine as our future home have been re-imagined with big bold bright patterns and Vibrant pops of color.
 Where I once dreamed of falling asleep in a room like this;

I now find myself thinking of a room like this

I always imagined Bean's room filled with white and soft pink 

now I imagine pops of color and big pattern

Perhaps,  it is because I am just ready for change,  the last couple years have changed me in many ways and they have made me want what I want and where a few years ago I would have looked at a bright wall covering that I loved and said no because I knew the love would not last,  now,  I find myself saying..."hell,   you only live once,  if you want an emerald green and pink wall paper with life size it!!
 My "future house" pinterest board is so confused and has no idea what to suggest and how could it with changes like this?

I have the feeling that this new house is going to end up feeling very, very different from the last!

If you love the pictures,  click on the links and be transported back to the world of pinterest to see where they came from! 

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Another Day, Another Scan

My baby sister had a pet scan yesterday.  She will not get her results for 6 days, 14 hours and 3.5 minutes (assuming the doctor is on time...ok so let's make it a clean 6 days and 15 hours).  Even when I am not with her, I can feel her anxiety coursing through her veins, I can feel her taking long slow breaths when her heart begins to speed up in panicked anxiety, or maybe that is me.  

We talk about being cancer free as being a closed book and it is. There is no chemo and there is no radiation, there are no feeding tubes and no daily shots to the stomach, yet you do not simply close the door and walk away. 

I look back at my blog and see big gaps in my story. I have written about many of my sisters milestones and yet when I reached my own, I was unable to find the words. I thought for weeks, about what to say and then, as it began to feel like old news, I simply let it pass.  I tried to wrap my head around what I was feeling.  I tried to capture a pretty feeling of elation but to be honest, it is a slightly hollow elation and it is nearly impossible to fully describe the joy without the shroud of mistrust and fear showing through. 

Still I am forever grateful for my experience, it has made me embrace life more fully. It has made me cherish the mundane moments, (not laundry...I will never look back on time spent doing laundry with a smile). 

Today, I hold tight to the silly conversations with Bean that we have in the car as we run boring errands, I turn my back on cleaning and choose instead to curl up with a book in the summer breeze.

Summer is my Super Bowl and I am soaking it in minute by minute.  Still, as we await the results of my sisters scan with my next scan approaching in the coming weeks, it is hard to remain very zen like. I look at every new bruise as an indicator that the cancer is back, I am suspicious of feeling tired, even when I know I am tired because I stayed up a few extra hours to barrel through a few more episodes of 'Orange is the New Black'. 

My days are both ordinary and so very extraordinary in many  ways and not so very different from anyone else.  I simply have an extra narrator nestled deep within my soul whispering 'what if' as I mix a margarita and pad gently into the sun soaked backyard, armed with water balloons, a giggling little girl and her dog.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

9mo Scan...7 Days Till The Champagne Corks Start Flying

Today is my sisters 9 month pet scan and while I KNOW it will be clear, she does not.  She is scared and her stomach feels likes she drank too much coffee, when in fact she could not have any.

 She is trying to think about where to go for lunch and whether she and I should buy a share of an organic cow (I vote yes) and yet, someone keeps throwing open the door to the land of “what if”.

Last year, we were doing normal sister things.  She was telling me to add more color to my wardrobe (I added a ridiculous amount of navy).  I was telling her to stop dating dum-dums, (she…), well anyway,  we were doing normal things. Then, 7 weeks apart, our normal Wednesdays got a sucker punch to the jaw with our respective cancer diagnosis’s.

We were doing normal things.

Today, we are both on the other side.  We kicked cancer right in its flabby butt cheek! We are doing normal things.  We are slower and more appreciative and we cling to those we love a bit more tightly but we are doing normal sister things.  She is rolling her eyes when I show up to her apartment in my new navy jacket and I am rolling my eyes when she tells me her new crush is (for privacy’s sake,  I am going to keep mum so as not to out the latest dum dum…but let me tell you my eyes are rolling)!

We are back to normal things like deciding who is making what for Thanksgiving, but as we flip through recipes of gratins on the Ipad,  I know that in her mind the words “what if” are racing around like a hamster in a wheel.

As these monumental anniversaries sneak up on us and we trek in for bloodwork and scans, we are ready to scream in celebration but we are paralyzed with silence as we try to break away from the “what ifs” swirling through our minds. 

I don’t know when it will get easier.  I don’t know if we will ever get to a point where we walk into a scan without a fear.  I doubt it but only time will tell.

So today, while I KNOW she is fine, she does not.  So, let us arm our karma guns.  Let us do a good juju booty shake, let us lift her up in prayer.  I know she is fine but a little extra oomph from the universe certainly couldn't hurt.