Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Struggling As A New Stay At Home Mom

The last month has been a roller coaster of changes,  I went from being a full time working mom to a part time working mom to a work from home mo to a stay at home mom and the transition has thrown me for quite a loop.

 The thing is that as I sit here typing this my daughter is sound asleep beside me, there is classical Baby playing quietly on the TV and the dishwasher humming (not so quietly) in the next room.  The windows are open and those first smells of fall are blowing through the house and I should be overjoyed.  This should be my perfect day and yet I am struggling to be content!

I am used to having a lot on my plate,  I am used to juggling,  I thrive on juggling and here I am spinning in circles.  I depended on my part time work and my work at home work,  they gave me an outlet that was something other than being a mom.

 I was a writer and designer and well I was a grown up and I was working hard and I miss that.  I LOVE being home with the Bean I love hoarding all those baby smiles but I wander if I am doing her an injustice as I sit on my laptop looking for other work to fill my tank and then I wonder if I even want other work right now.

These moments are so precious and I should be cherishing them all.  I should leave my phone (and Ipad and laptop) in the house and I should go outside and really just enjoy the day with my little Bean.  I should work at setting up a new toddler routine so that her normal nap does not get cut short and end up with her napping on the sofa.

I should be looking for new ways to get a healthy toddler meal past those tiny pouty lips so that I can stop buying the expensive organic hot dogs ( I mean what the heck is an organic hot dog any way).

Still,  somehow if I ignore the  things I feel I should be doing like preparing for my art show and making new DIY Hair bands for Bean,  the day ends and I feel like I got nothing accomplished.  So how do I change that?    How do I get to the point where staying off my phone and playing in the yard with the Bean feels like an accomplishment.  How do I take a deep breathe and realize that this is the much needed break I have been dreaming about for months now and just enjoy it for what it is.

2 comments:

  1. I still can't do it. It's been three years, I homeschool my son and am a graduate student and I still try to avoid the SAHM label. I'm super happy being with my son all the time but I need something else to make me feel "whole". I think it all stems from the fear of "losing" one's self to the Mommyhood. Take it one day at a time and eventually some satisfaction will come.

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  2. I'm SO glad you "said" this out loud. There are so many days that I walk around feeling guilty all day because I've been blessed with the opportunity to be a SAHM and I REALLY want to make the most of this precious time with my kids...but I keep committing to other things, have launched 2 businesses, am volunteering, and just can't seem to sit still despite being beyond exhausted pretty much all the time. I look at other moms who seem to revel in all of those down time moments with their kids...and I wish with all (ok, well most) my heart that I could be fulfilled and satisfied with that. And then I find myself checking email, on FB, twitter, blogs, connecting with other moms, running my businesses and face the reality of the chaos I have created for myself. I sometimes have to have conversations with myself like "well, I just have to do this one more thing I promised a customer and then I can focus on the kids"....and then remind myself that I should also be thinking "I promised my kids I would be a FT mom...so maybe the customer should wait"...but that's never what happens, and I end up beating myself up about it. Sigh. Sorry for the rant - I just totally feel your pain and am hoping we both find an "answer" soon! I wanted this...I mean REALLY wanted this...but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm missing out on something.

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