It has been a while since I have put pen to paper, or crumb covered fingers to keyboard, which is far more accurate in this day and age. Part of it has been me feeling like I am running out of things to say that are more than WAH, I have cancer, WAH I am sleepy, WAH my bones hurt. The other part is that I feel like I have so much to say that I don’t know where to start.
Oh and then there is the part where I am busy, head up a reindeers' butt trying to make Christmas the most magical experience ever in our household, while not lifting my head off of a pillow.
The fact that Christmas is this week is overwhelming to say the least. The presents are wrapped, the grocery lists are made but there is a part of me that just cannot get over the fact that I am not doing it justice. There is a part of me that cannot get over the fact that I am cutting corners. I wanted to take my Bean to the Nutcracker at the Fulton this year, we began the tradition last year and she LOVED it. (I mean, who knew…you take a three year old to the theater and plop them front row center and they are MESMERIZED). I was determined to make it an annual tradition and somehow it slipped through my fingers.
We took Bean to the back up Santa this year. The Santa we typically go to is in a restored train caboose, there is no long line, no elves and NO $50 picture packages, just Mr & Mrs. Clause in a train caboose and it is perfect.
Notice the "Fuses & Torpedo's" box in the background...yeah you don't get that at the mall!
This year we went to the Santa up the street, and well the experience was, well, it just wasn’t.
Bean still got to ask Santa for an Elsa doll but even she knew. When we left she even said we should not go back to that Santa next year. MOM FAIL.
This year, I have baked no cookies, gingerbread houses have not been made, in fact if it was not for the most amazing friend and neighbor EVER who planned an ornament making party for our girls, I think I would be an Ugg boot and sweatpant wearing, sobbing mess on the sidewalk.
As we speak, I am typing this out as my Bean happily eats dry Christmas Captain Crunch, because I forgot (could not muster the energy) to hit the grocery store yesterday to pick up milk and OJ yesterday as I had promised.
I feel like I am slipping, I have not even gotten her to the huge Frozen themed candy display at my office this year and I work there. The display is at my office and has had multiple open houses and even with that I have not managed to get my own daughter in to see it. I know I am putting pressure on myself. I know that back-up Santa will not ruin this years’ Christmas. I know that the early morning snuggle fest with my girl and her dog, lit only by the tree lights is what it is all about. I know that tonight, I WILL stay up later than my 4 year old to make certain that I get to read the Christmas bedtime stories tonight.
I also know that I am not the only one spiraling through the Christmas vortex. Whether it be cancer or one of the myriads of other life stresses, I am not the only mom feeling like she is not quite cutting it. So I am going to do what we all do. I am going to take a deep breath and regroup. There are 5 days till Christmas. I am slowly waking up from this weeks chemo treatment and while my bones hurt like the dickens and my side effects are beginning to creep into my good weeks, I am not going to let it affect one more day.
Christmas is in 5 days and after Christmas I have 2 more Chemo treatments left…2!!! That is it, I am rounding the corner to the finish line. I can see the end of a tunnel so for the next week, I am going to suck it up and let the Christmas spirit swallow my household whole. We are going to sing carols and eat too many sweets and watch every Home Alone movie (ok maybe just the first 3).
After Christmas, I am going to take a deep breathe once again, I am going to regroup and I am going to barrel through the next 2 chemo treatments like a bull in a china shop (ok, it will actually probably look more like a sleepy kitten in a pet shop) and in February when this is behind me…well 2015…be ready because I will be making you my beeotch!