In a perfect world, I will be cancer free in 10 days. Actually, in a truly perfect world I am cancer free now and this last round of chemo is just the final FU to those damn mutating cells. Of course, with the holidays swirling around me, I have not managed to focus on the end until now. However, today I am wide-eyed and balls-out barreling for the finish line. It is a surreal feeling. It both feels like I have been fighting cancer for so long and since only yesterday. However, it has been a long road and not one I wish to travel ever again.
The side affects have been harsh and are not limited to my body. Not that my body has escaped in any way. Yesterday, I went for a massage to help ease the bone pain, that is a result of one of my favorite/least favorite meds and for an hour I was in bliss and not wincing with every movement. On top of the bone pain, I am the cancer patient that gained weight on chemo…there are different types of chemo regimes and everyone handles them differently so while I secretly hoped chemo would leave me looking like a hot skinny Christy Turlington, instead I puffed up like a penguin, thanks to a daily regimen of steroids. No seriously...THANK YOU to the steroids... I may be as far away from looking like Christy Turlington as I was pre-cancer, but those steroids are life savers, so I am embracing the steroid puff.
I also ended up with the round chemo face, which some idiot at the drug company named “moon face” … (where your face rounds out from all retained fluids). Oh and by the way, NOT cool drug company…since the recipient of your drug is probably reading about the possible side effects…come up with a better way to say your face may temporarily round out…using the term “moon Face” makes me want to punch you in yours!
Woo…caveat. Ok, where was I before that tirade.
Anyhoo… bottom line, chemo did not give me a super model body I had hoped for, instead… my face is apparently a “moon” , I have an inner tube of puffy bruises cushioning my midsection inner tube of chocolate covered pretzels and beer and well, all my pants are just a wee bit tighter than they should be (which is probably due more to my off chemo week, steroid induced eating habits, than anything cancer). Of course, I suppose the skinny Christy Turlington chemo patients are probably the ones that are so nauseaous they cannot even look at food or water and since I experienced 2 treatments like that and deemed them the worst weeks of my ENTIRE life…well, I guess I will simply jump on the pudge bus and work off my rolls with the rest of you New Years’ Resolution folks.
With the New Year upon us and my last chemo treatment around the corner, I have been putting a lot of thought into my post cancer life. I have never been a girl for New Years Resolutions but my list of cancer resolutions is nearing chapter book status. First of all, I never want to have cancer again and while I am not master of the universe and cannot simply dictate that decision, I can do everything in my power to keep my cells from hitting the all night Cell Mutation Party like Ravers at The Limelight circa 1994.
So I am cleaning up and cleaning out. I am adding WAY more veggies to my meals (and my husband and toddlers…Bwahaha) I am eating clean and playing outside and taking time for myself. I am keeping my mind and body clean (well, as clean as I can without ever…EVER giving up wine) and I am letting the toxic people and stress in my life exit stage left.
I am going to slow down (at least for 5 minutes every couple weeks or so) and just breath, I am going to make my own juice (at least once...I mean Simply Orange is pretty hard to beat). I am going to take more time to meditate and pray…in quiet solitude instead of squeezing it in at the red light and I am going to wrap my family in my arms and make the very most of this beautiful life I have been given. I am going to put down my phone and play Candyland. I am going to turn off the TV and spend every possible moment outside and damn it…I am going to buy chickens. If I can beat cancer…I can damn well figure out how to be a chicken farmer.