I have tried writing this update countless times since July and once I even succeeded but the next morning, when I read it, in print, it just felt so real and there was so much going on and honestly, I simply could not handle all the feels. So down it came and back into my happy tent of all emotional avoidance I went.
Monday, October 3, 2016
Holy Long Overdue Update Batman
This update is long, long overdue. Saying this summer has been a whirlwind is the understatement of the century!
We stumbled upon a house that we loved, put an offer in had it accepted, put our house on the market, lost the house we wanted in a bidding war and sold our house the next day.
We then did that all over again, a month later.
We repeated the whole cycle once again 2 months later and finally after losing 3 houses, we sold our house and last week moved into a temporary rental as we continue the search.
(Watching our Pod being whisked away)
The whole process seems surreal and to be honest has not hit us. There was not a single tear shed over the house we spent our life in, because there was never a final day. We took almost 3 weeks to slowly transition into the rental so by the time closing came around, we had been living somewhere else for over a week.
On top of that, we have been so very busy with the normal onslaught of fall activities and a new school year that there was simply not a moment free to get all boo-hooey.
I mean, I came close the last day that I walked canning jars filled with margaritas next door to share with one my best friends and neighbors, we have shared what feels like a lifetime of adventures together and have watched our daughters grow up side by side. Saying goodbye to barefoot walks down the sidewalk in yoga pants carrying a bottle of wine was far harder than I thought it would be. Truth be told, the day I packed up Beans toys I cried. I loved her room and I loved all the memories in that room and while I loved our house saying goodbye to this room was the tough one.
On top of all that, In July when I went in for what should have been my 18 month “No Evidence Of Disease” scan, I did not get to take a selfie with “NO Evidence of Disease” scrawled over my test report. I mean I did not get a “cancers back” diagnosis but I did not get the definitive it’s not back either. Instead I got a weeellll, there is a mass and it could be something but maybe not. (INSERT roadside meltdown and 24 hours of silence here). So, fast forward 3 FREAKIN months of countless visits to radiologists, and biopsy docs, surgeons and bartenders as we tried to get to the bottom of this whole mess (which could or could not be a mess).
Yup, FREAKIN Whirlwind!
So bottom line, the little mass was there since I had cancer the last time, he shrunk during chemo and now he has grown a bit since and is also wedged deep in my gut, where he cannot be biopsied or cut out laparoscopically. The Biopsy docs suggested I start chemo “just in case”, needless to say, my response to them cannot be recorded here.
So, this week while I organize grocery lists, pack for next weeks vacation (which will be along the shores of the coming hurricane), review spelling words and oh yeah, work full time, I am also fitting in bloodwork and surgical consults in preparation for gut surgery when I return from vacation where the lil bastard mass will be forcibly evicted via yet another 8” abdominal scar.
Additionally, since I am headed for yet another week or 2 in the hospital recovering from once again having my abs sliced apart, I am headed to UPENN tomorrow to meet with my very own Tumor board for a second opinion! For one thing this rental house is great but it has 2 recliners in the living room (Think Joey and Chandlers apartment on Friends). Recovering at home is an added struggle when you do not have a “Home”, Our comfy sofas are stored, my bed is stored…the tattered quilt that my grandmother made for me that I drag out for comfort every time I get the flu, is stored.
I am not keen on letting another freaking cancer baby go all “Predator” in my belly BUT if it is not cancer, if it is something to not worry about, or perhaps the marble I swallowed as a kid, well it just makes sense to talk to a couple of the biggest cancer geeks in the country before we go all Edward Scissorhands.
So Tomorrow morning, I go to the local hospital for pre-surgical labs and from there to UPENN for a second opinion (and a stop at Hip City Veg, where I plan to make my husband eat vegan buffalo chicken).
So, you know, if you wake up tomorrow and think about it, go ahead and say a lil prayer, shake your good juju moneymaker or just send some good into the universe by buying the frazzled mom, trying to quiet a screaming kid at the Target register, a cup of coffee, because if all goes well, these brainiacs will tell me I have been dramatically picturing the worst case scenario over nothing at all and they will send me skipping into the eye of Hurricane Matthew without a worry in the world.